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ZANE HAS A LITTLE SISTER,  BORN  2/13/06  @ 4:13AM  @ DAVIS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.  LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS, HER NAME IS
 
WILLOW   BROOK

This would have been Zanes second Christmas, it wasnt much of a Christmes with out him, although we tried hard to be of good spirits, our hearts were heavy. I stopped by to visit his grave, snow laied so softly upon it,  I gently brushed the snow aside and made a little snowball just for him.  We miss him so much, his little sister will be here soon, I am worried ,Mary is too but she tries not to show it, the Dr's say everything is great, but I have to put my faith in GOD.  Thank all of you for remembering Zane and his family, we too remember you all and how your prayers and words of encouragement, kept us going, Bless you all, I will continue to remember all the children that have passed and all those still fighting, GOD BLESS, Grandma Karen

September 26, 05   Its so hard to believe that its been a year now since Zane passed away.  There is and always will be a void in our life, our arms still ache to hold him, but we know that he is with God and no longer suffers.  I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you for praying for and with us, without your prayers we would have never made it.  During Zane;s illness, we had the chance to learn about ATRT, before he got sick, we didnt even know ATRT exsisted, nor did we know the faces of the other children that were and still are fighiting this disease.  I dont want Zane's death to be for no reason, so many of these children die each year and no one even knows about them, the battle they fought, or the disease that killed them.  I want to do a yearly fund raiser for the fight against ATRT, in memory of Zane and the other children that have died because of it.  If I start this on the anniversary of his death, and work all year to get things together, then I know we together, can make it happen.  I want people to see the faces of the children who have passed and those that continue to fight.  I was totally unaware of ATRT , now I want others to be aware of what these children and their families are going through....WILL YOU HELP ME???????   I want the date of the first annuel fund raiser to be on or about Sept 26, 06,  that gives me 1 year to get everything together.  I would like the proceeds to be distributed in such a way that it helps the research for ATRT, and the families.  I was looking at the possibility of a weekend music fest,    We miss Zane so much, and knowing that loss, I have to do something to help the children and their families.  I would like pics of all the children, those that have passed and those still fighting, I want people to see their little faces, and to know what they are going trough.  If you have any suggestions, or if you know any bands that would be willing to play for this music fest, please let me know. Everything will have to be donated, because we have no money to start this with, but there will be advertising so that will help promote any business or bands etc , that help.  We have a year to get things together, and I cant do this alone, will you help me help them?
 
Just to let yo know, Mary is pregnent, due in February, the doctors are watching her close, and when she goes to her drills, her sergent wont allow her to do much, so she has alot of people watching out for her.  My faith is in God.  Please let me know about your ideas, you can e mail me, babyzanesmiles@yahoo.com.  I cant wait to hear form you.  grandma Karen

March 27,05   Happy Easter to everyone.  I just wanted to pass on what I was feeling today, I think about Zane and all of the other children that have passed away and those that are still fighting their battle.  It being Easter, I can only think about what Jesus went through, and how in the end his rewards were more than we could ever imagine.  Although my heart is empty, and my arms still long to hold Zane, I have a since of peace knowing that even though he suffered , it wasnt for no reason at all, he touched many lives, made people come together in prayer, put smiles on everyones face, and made us realize just how short and precious our time here on earth really is.As we go through our day , remember how strong our little angels were and how much they loved us.  We can never fill the void left in our hearts, but we can try harder every day to be like them ,strong, happy, loving unconditionally, and always touching the hearts of those around us.  Hug your loved ones tighter, love them unconditionally, for we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Love is a powerful tool  , use it.  Happy Easter to you all and may GOD BLESS

MARCH 3/05,    I just heard about Big Ben,  my heart goes out to his family , I know there are no words to ease your pain, and I know you have heard it many times "Ben is in a better place"  he is, I know the empty feeling, the void you feel in your life, all I can say is OUR PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU,  GOD BLESS,  with all the beautiful angels that are now with GOD, I can only imagine how beautiful heaven will be when we get there.  God Bless you all

2/14/05,  its been almost 5 months since Zane passed away, its still so hard to believe, our world seems so empty with out him.  Many days I find myself smiling, people still come up to me and say what a wonderful baby he was and how he touched their hearts and lives, and it makes me smile to know that in such a short time on this earth that he had such an impact on people, I cant help but to wonder what he would have done had he lived a full life.  I still cant bring myself to close his web page, there are so many that stumble across his web site and leave a little note that says they are still prying for the family and those that are looking for info on ATRT, that when they read Zane's story they dont feel so alone.  PLEASE, HUG YOUR CHILDREN A LITTLE LONGER, AND NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS GET, NEVER FORGET THAT GOD IS RIGHT THERE, EVEN WHEN WE DONT THINK HE IS,,,,TRUST ME,,,HE IS...GOD BLESS YOU ALL

12/25/04  MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE,  tomorrow makes 3 months that Zane passed away, I will go to see him this afternoon, I just wanted to wish everyone happy holidays, as I set here missing and remembering Zane, I cant help to think and pray for all of those children that are still fighting this cancer and all of those who have lost their fight, and the mommy and daddy's that are hurting because they feel helpless, my prayers are for all of you.  When I look on the net and see all of those children going through this and the ones that are now gone, my heart aches, my mind confused, how can these little tiny babies have so much strength when we feel so helpless, Zane was only 11 months old when he passed, and in his short time here he tought me, to love with all of your heart, smile more often, open your heart to everyone, never know a stranger, and  to hold those you love close, because we are not promised tomorrow, so for today, love with all of your heart, smile at everyone you see, open your heart and home to everyone, even a stranger.  To all of you that are going through this and those that are now grieving, my prayer is that God lightens your load, eases your heart and touches each of your lives.  Emily, Eli, Benjamin,Taylor,Riley,Jonathon,Payton,Elijah, just some that are going through this and some that have lost their battle, you are and always will be remembered, GOD BLESS YOU ALL.   

12/11/04,  Its been almost 3 months since Zane passed, Chrstmas is a difficult time for anyone who has lost someone they love, my heart is heavy now , not just for the loss of Zane, but for his mommy, I dont know what to do to help her, I pray for God to give me a way to help her, what do I do, I have tried to be there for her, make her do things, go places, anything I can think of to help her, I am afraid I am going to loose her too. GOD how my heart aches, I cant imagine what she feels, and I have no answers, she needs someone her age maybe to talk to, someone that has gone through this, I feel helpless. I cant stop what is going on, I have always had an answer , or a solution to a problem, why cant I find an answer to help her.  God if there is anyone out there that can just talk to her maybe it would help her. She needs your prayers now, I pray for God to lighten her heart and ease her pain. Please God show me a way to help her.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL,  tomorrow is the day to be thankful for the people, things and the life that GOD has blessed us with, and like so many of you, I to think about those who are no longer with us.  This was to be Zane's first year to eat turkey, and today I found myself sad because he is no longer here, I kept thinking of all the things he would never be able to see or do , but after thinking about it, I found myself being thankful,  thankful that he no longer hurts, no longer has to go through the treatments of chemo and the enormous amounts of medicine,  but also thankful for the time we shared with him, for each smile he gave, for everytime he reached up and took you finger, for everytime he fell asleep in your arms, every giggle, everytime you gave him a bath and he splashed you, for every dirty diaper,and for everytime he stole your heart, it truly is a time for being thankful, just sometimes we have to look through the sadness and the empty feeling in our hearts to find what we are thankful for.  I lost my mother 3 years ago and Zane just a short time ago, and sometimes we allow the sadness to blind us from what is true, the truth is , we lost someone we loved so very much, but not to dwell on what we lost but on what we once shared, and the memories we have of that special person. Zane will always be our little Soggy Bottom Boy, and for this I am thankful that I had a chance to have a beautiful angel in my life that loved me unconditionally. Though the holiday season may bring us a little sadness, just remember that our loved ones are now at peace and are happy, and the time we shared with them will forever be in our hearts.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL,  GOD BLESS 

11-19-04,  its been a while since I wrote anything, I guess you just go through the motions.  There is never a day goes by that Zane is not in my thounghts and in my heart.  Today I went to Wal Mart to do a little shopping, someone came up and asked how Zane was doing, well it was like I relived his death all over again, I went home and cried, they didnt know and didnt mean any disrespect,but it hurt so bad . the healing process is slow but its getting easier.  Mary found another apartment and is doing ok too.  Christmas will be hard. I will put up a stocking for him.  Well I guess thats enough for now.
Wishing you all a very Happy Holiday Season, GOD BLESS

10/25/04   HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZANE,  today was a very hard day.  Zane got his chocolate cake, and he got a balloon, a ribbon, and little yellow ducks.  mary took one of his books and read to him.  It was harder than I thought it was going to be. How can a heart hurt so bad and it not kill you.  I know he is living the best life he could possibly live and he has no more pain, and is given more love than we could have ever given him, but it still hurts, you still feel like something is missing. I look at his pictures every day, and I think how beautiful he is, and everytime I see his smile, I cant help but to smile too.  I guess thats what keeps us going.  He had a beautiful day for his birthday.  I should have known it was going to be beautiful, just like him.
I would like to thank all of you for your kind words and for your prayers. it really does help knowing that you are not alone.  My heart aches knowing that there are so many children out there going through the same thing Zane went through, and some even worse, GOD I cant imagine worse.  I have no words of wisdom, nor do I have any answers, all I can offer are my prayers, and that is the only way I know to get through this. GOD BLESS YOU ALL, no matter what the outcome, GOD IS WITH YOU.  Happy Birthday little buddy, we miss you so very much.  Tomorrow makes 1 month that he passed, GOD GIVE US STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH THIS

ME AGAIN,  ZANE'S BIRTHDAY IS MONDAY THE 25TH, I CANT BELIEVE ITS BEEN ALMOST A MONTH .  I MISS HIM SO MUCH.  I WATCH MARY WHEN WE GO PLACES AND SHE WATCHES THE BABIES, I KNOW SHE SEES ZANE IN EVERYONE OF THEM,  MONDAY IS GOING TO BE A HARD DAY FOR HER, WE ARE PLANNING TO GO TO ZANE'S GRAVE AND HAVE A LITTLE  BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR HIM, WE ARE TAKING A CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE AND A CANDEL, AND HE WILL HAVE HIS FIRST  BIRTHDAY PARTY.  IT IS SO STRANGE NOT HAVING HIM HERE, I USE TO CALL HIM EVERYNIGHT AT 9 PM AND SAY HIS PRAYERS WITH HIM, I STILL DO THAT, BUT I JUST DONT CALL HIM ANYMORE.  MARY IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE STRONG, AND SHE IS DOING VERY WELL WITH IT , IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES THE EMPTINESS IS TOO MUCH.  WELL I HAVE TO GO FOR NOW.  GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

 
MARY NEEDS YOUR HELP
MARY WANTS TO GET ZANE A BLUE GLASS ANGEL HEADSTONE, AND WE CAN NOT FIND ONE, WE DONT EVEN KNOW IF THEY ARE MADE, I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING ON THE NET BUT TO NO AVAIL, PLEASE IF YOU KNOW WHERE WE CAN GET ONE PLEASE ,E MAIL ME , kgardner@cebridge,net  or here on Zane's e mail.  thank you , grandma karen

It's 4:10am 2 weeks has passed, I cant help but to miss Zane so much. For 6 months I watched all that he had to go through, he fought so hard, and so long, I could have never been that strong.  Zane is my only grand child, I never knew I could love a grand child so much, but they have a way of grabbing your heart and never letting go.  I was there when Zane was born, I even got to cut the cord, although I had 3 children of my own, it wasnt the same as seeing your grandchild being born.  I watched him grow, I was there when he smiled for the first time, for his first bath,his first everything.  He brought so much joy to our lives. I would go to Mary's house everyday to see them and the highlight of my day was when Baby Zane Smiled at me. No matter what was going on in my life, when he smiled it seemed like everything was ok.  I know it sounds strange for someone to have that affect on a person, but that little boy did. As I watched him get sicker and sicker, my heart would ache for him, when the doctors told us that he was going to die and we would only have maybe 11 months with him, I could not imagine life without him. His little body went through so much the last 6 months of his life .  Everyday you could see him getting weaker, although we had some very good days, which we enjoyed very much.  Slowly he stopped smiling, he never cried, no matter what he went through.  He would reach up and grab your finger and hold on to it as to say " I am ok grandma , dont worry".  It wasnt just watching him go through this, it was watching his mommy go through it too.  So many tears she cried, day after day she cared for him, and trying to be so strong for him, and knowing her heart was braking, but she kept going. She went days without sleep, you dont sleep in the hospital, and when they were home, Zane slept with her, she was afraid she wouldnt hear him if he needed something, because Zane didnt cry.  She was a good mommy, a strong mommy.  I know Zane was proud of his mommy.  As the days went by you could see his little body couldnt take much more, as hard as he tried, he was just too tired to fight anymore. When they sent him home for that last time and said they couldnt do any more for him and maybe we had 3 weeks left, Mary still didnt give up. We were like a sponge, just wanting to absorb as much time as we could with him. Then, Saturday September 25, Zane turned 11 months old, we knew it wouldnt be much longer, maybe a few hours, I never left them, I stayed at Mary and Zane's house. We had a lot of company that day, and Zane was real bad, Mary had to give him his pain medicine and medicine to keep his lungs from filling with fluid, it was time and Mary knew it. Mary said "mom, no more medicine, no more" at about 1:55 am, Sunday morning her and Zane went to bed. At 2:08 Mary called for me, as I went into their room I knew, I looked down at Mary and she said "mom, he's gone"  and what I saw her do next has got to be the bravest thing I have ever seen in my life.  She pulled Zane very close to her, wrapped her arms around him and as the trears streamed down her face she began to thank GOD, I heard her say " thank you God, Thank you for not letting my little boy hurt anymore, thank you GOD" and there she laied with her baby in her arms crying and rocking him and there I sat next to them, trying so desperately to make it not hurt so bad, this is my little girl, watching her little boy die. I couldnt fix this, I had no answers for her. Never before had I ever felt to helpless. All I could do is hold them both. Although the pain is deep we all knew that Zane didnt hurt anymore, and that he was with GOD, and now he can play. NO MORE CHEMO, no more needles in his spine, no more medicine, and no more hospitals.  Zane is at peace, he was met by his greatgrandma and many other family that love him.  Zane will turn 1 year old on October 25th, I know this will be a hard day for Mary, but as strong as she was for Zane, now she haves to be strong for herself.  Mary says her arms feel empty, and her house is not the same, but we have his memories .  That beautiful smile he had, and the way he made you feel when you were around him, the touch of his little hand, and his sweet little kisses.  GOD I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
To all the parents that are going through this, I say keep your faith, stay strong for eachother.  
I dont know why I started writing, I guess I just needed to vent. I am sure I will write again, as this is the only way I know to keep going.   

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